Communication is one of the most challenging and essential elements of enabling organizational change.
Every leader must determine what to communicate, to whom, and when. Yet even when those decisions are made, there is still another challenge: ensuring the intended message is received and interpreted as intended.
If you’ve ever said:
- “He knew precisely what I meant.”
- “I was perfectly clear when I told her.”
- “I’m an open book.”
…only to discover your message was misunderstood, you’ve experienced what social psychologist Heidi Grant Halvorson calls the transparency illusion.
The transparency illusion leads us to believe we are communicating more clearly than we really are. It is just one of the many reasons people misunderstand one another. It’s also one of the reasons No One Understands You and What to Do About It is a valuable resource for change leaders.
As part of my series, 10 Books Every Change Leader Needs to Read, this book stands out for its practical insights into why communication breaks down and what leaders can do about it.
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The Gap Between Intention and Interpretation
Halvorson argues that there is almost always a gap between:
- How we perceive ourselves.
- How others perceive us.
- What we think we communicated.
- What others actually interpret.
Our lack of awareness of that gap, combined with the belief that we see others objectively and that they see us objectively, creates miscommunication and flawed decision-making.
This is one reason we encourage our clients to check in with people after communicating. Rather than assuming the message landed as intended, leaders should confirm that what they intended to communicate is what was actually received and understood.
Perception Is Not Rational
One of the book’s most important messages is that perception is not a rational process.
How we perceive ourselves, how we perceive others, and how others perceive us is biased, incomplete, inflexible, and largely, but not entirely, unconscious.
The encouraging news, according to Halvorson, is that although our intuition about how others see us is often inaccurate, it is predictable. When you understand the biases and patterns that shape perception, you can adjust your words and actions to ensure you’re perceived as intended.
Why We Misread One Another
According to Halvorson, we often misunderstand one another because we operate under two flawed assumptions.
The first is believing that other people see us objectively as we are. They don’t. Likewise, we don’t see others objectively either.
Our words, actions, facial expressions, and body language are all open to interpretation.
A frustrated expression may be interpreted as anger. Folded arms may suggest someone is closed off when, in reality, they are simply cold.
I experienced this firsthand while speaking with one of my team members about a problem she was trying to solve. I was listening carefully, trying to fully understand the situation, when she suddenly stopped and asked, “Are you angry with me?”
I was surprised.
“No,” I replied. “What makes you think that?”
“The look on your face,” she said, “and the fact that you haven’t said anything.”
The conversation reminded me how easily our intentions can be misunderstood.
Why First Impressions Matter More Than We Think
Miscommunication is further amplified because our brains prioritize speed over accuracy.
To process information quickly, we rely on cognitive shortcuts such as assumptions, general rules, and categories. However, if you don’t consciously reassess and challenge your assumptions, they can lead to serious misunderstandings and have deleterious effects on your change efforts.
One example is the primacy effect. We tend to place too much weight on first impressions.
Halvorson illustrates this with the example of two children taking a math test. Both completed tests of equal difficulty and earned identical scores.
Rationally, their math ability is equal. However, because of the primacy effect, the boy who scored higher on the first half of the test and lower on the second half is perceived as more talented even by math teachers.
The difference?
The boy performed better on the first half of the test, while the girl performed better on the second half.
Because of the primacy effect, the boy who scored higher on the first half of the test and lower on the second half was perceived as more talented even by math teachers. And that impression stayed with the students, despite evidence to the contrary.
I see a similar pattern when leaders approach change with a resistant mindset.
New employees who ask few questions are often viewed as accepting the change.
Long-term employees who ask thoughtful questions or recall similar failed initiatives are frequently labelled as resistant.
Yet when it comes to actual adoption, both groups often respond the same way.
The Power and Risk of Categorization
Categorization is another mental shortcut that contributes to misunderstanding.
It is a necessary human function. Without it, we would have to determine what every object was, whether it was safe, and how to interact with it every time we encountered something unfamiliar.
Imagine walking into a room with three different types of chairs. One chair is familiar, and two you’ve never seen before, and you don’t know what those two are.
Categorization makes life possible.
However, our beliefs about categories, or stereotypes, can lead us to inaccurate conclusions about people. This can be especially true when the qualities we value do not align with the stereotypes we hold.
Halvorson uses creativity and leadership as an example.
Most people say they want innovative leaders. Leaders who generate new ideas and think outside the box. Research supports the idea that creative leaders are better able to drive change.
Yet creative individuals are often less likely to be selected for leadership positions.
Why?
Because many people unconsciously see creativity and leadership as incompatible.
One study found that employees rated coworkers who proposed more creative solutions as less effective leaders.
As Halvorson explains, organizations may unintentionally promote individuals who maintain the status quo while overlooking those who possess the creativity needed to lead meaningful change.
Most people don’t use stereotypes because they consciously believe them. They fall victim to them (unconsciously) because the human brain is wired to categorize people and situations quickly.
Moving Beyond Automatic Judgments
Halvorson identifies two phases of perception.
Phase 1 perception is automatic, unconscious, biased, and lacks context.
Phase 2 perception is thoughtful, contextual, accurate, and intentional.
Leaders who engage in Phase 2 perception consider context, seek understanding, and explore alternative interpretations of people’s words and actions.
The result is a more accurate and objective understanding of the situation, person or group.
The ability to move quickly from Phase 1 to Phase 2 perception is central to the work we do with leaders using the Readiness Mindset™.
We help leaders adopt techniques, reframe situations, and ask different questions so they can disconnect from automatic judgments and more easily access thoughtful, accurate perceptions.
By doing so, they gain a clearer understanding of their teams’ response to change. Then use that information to prevent resistance and build readiness.
Trust, Power, and Ego Shape Every Interaction
One of Halvorson’s most important observations is that perception is never completely rational.
Even when we engage in Phase 2 perception, we still interpret others through our own personal lens.
Three of the most influential filters are:
- Trust
- Power
- Ego
Understanding how these filters shape our own perceptions and those of others increases the likelihood that we will understand others and be understood as intended.
Why Change Leaders Should Read This Book
No One Understands You and What to Do About It offers valuable insight into why we are so often misunderstood.
More importantly, it provides practical actions you can take to recognize unconscious bias, reduce misperception, and improve communication so you are understood as intended.
For anyone leading organizational change, it is a worthwhile addition to your reading list.
